I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
