my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
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