I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
