Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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