Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
