So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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