she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
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I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
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Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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