apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
