So drunk its hurt
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
