Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
