Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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