Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
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Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
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But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
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