Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Randomize
