I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
