Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
