Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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