I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize