Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
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