dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
