No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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