if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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