Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
