Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
