the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
