I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
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