Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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