And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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