her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
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