Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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