According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
