I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Randomize
