Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I have feelings that need drinking.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
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