We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Randomize
