I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
His hands were made for my vagina.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
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