The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
