roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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