Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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