See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
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