Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
