She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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