dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I think I just shit out all my problems.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Randomize
