I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
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