Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
