her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I have post one night stand depression
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
