I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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