do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
