I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Randomize
