Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Where is the hickey?
Idk. We dropped acid and Kevin ran away again. We didn't find him for like 3 hours.
Man I wish I had been there
Yah we found him in the pool shed of some elderly couple. They were on the porch watching all of the shenanigans. ...To be young again.
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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