I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
