Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
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Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
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Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
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