I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
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