no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Randomize
