I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
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she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
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Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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