a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
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