i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
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