I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
sarcasm needs its own font
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
