Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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