I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
